Launch

I'm listening to a lot of podcasts. I've got my old faves -- Undisclosed and Science Friday but I've recently stumbled into a several that are really fun to listen to and are inspiring me to do better, to change some really bad habits and work on improving myself. Today I listened to one for the first time Unmistakable Creative titled Ego is the Enemy. He had a writer on that he clearly admires especially for his work habits and his abilities to produce and produce at a high quality. I was watering at the library and I never really caught his full name but Rao refers to him as Brian all the time. Brian was talking about the habit of just sitting down and producing. And eventually, you'll get there. Rao has the habit of writing a 1000 words a day and that is something I have been playing around with in my own mind for a long time. I'd really like to write a Young Adult book. A good one. So, in the spirit to which I think the universe is calling me, I'm starting today. I'm using this blog as my filter meter so that I can really sit and write my 1000 words on the book. Today, I want to write about mama sayings. Yesterday Cole texted me from his last day teaching at ID Tech camp for the summer to send 'What was that phrase you always said about the party and how people remeber how you leave. Can you text me the whole phrase. My other coworkers obviously did not have mothers that engraved that into their brains. But I can't remeber the first part. Thanks.' My reply: "It doesn't matter how you get to the party. People only remember how you leave." A couple of things. Number 1: It makes me proud that Cole remembered this saying. I don't have a lot of confidence in my mothering ability. I have made and continue to make horrible mistakes as a mother. I am having trouble letting go of Matthew. I am having trouble stopping worrying about the future for both boys. I am guilty of not always thinking of their best and tend to really focus on what is best for me. I could go on but you get the drift. So when a key lesson like this one is remembered and I HOPE he behaved that way, it makes me feel better about my mothering job. Number 2: In some really stupid way, it makes me feel better that my children are doing a better job than other people's children are in some insanely stupid area of their life. A horrible idea and one that I probably wouldn't confess out loud. Just to write it down makes me feel really uncomfortable. But I know this is true and there is that. I have all these mama sayings. I know other women have them too. Do they feel the same way I do about these things? Part good/part guilty? I am trying to think if my mother also had these sayings and I'm sure she did but I don't remember me them. When I think back to my childhood, my mother is always present, always pretty and slim, always working. I don't remember her yelling or preaching or deliberately setting out to teach me social skills or how to succeed. Well, now that I am thinking, she did say something that Debbie and I frequently quote: you can do anything you set your mind to. Which has gotten me in a lot of trouble mentally, physically, and emotionally. Mostly because I tend to really overdo and over commit and then I'm back to pulling back and disappointing people especially myself. Is that what mama sayings do? Make you do things so that you will measure up to her idea of success? Is that why having Cole quote that back to me makes me feel so good? That it means that he is taking seriously my idea of what a successful social situation is and executing it? And why is that one so important to me anyway? That part is easy for me, I think. I really have a lot of problems navigating social settings and for years and years used alcohol and drugs to lubricate that medium. And not to my benefit as it caused me no end of regretful situations and memories. I have this awful memory of a Christmas party for church where I showed up on the scene super drunk and kissed a fellow church member on the lips that I did not realize was married. What was a stupid mistake that if he remembers I would be shocked is still a haunting thing 26 years later. I bet I didn't leave that party well. So when I quit doing drugs (28) and drinking (37), parties became really hard for me. I am really uncomfortable and am always planning the exit. Usually even before we get to the party. And some parties last a really long time. I am thinking about Morgan's wedding reception and how I plied Cole with drinks to get him through it. Really what I wanted was to get wasted and get myself through it. See how bad a mother I am? But I stuck it out, talked to a billion people and waited until Morgan and Ben left before I drug Don and Cole away. Matthew partied on. He has no problems in the social arena. I wish I could copy his style. Is the point of the mama saying to ward off the demons of ourselves that we don't want to pass along to our children? Is that the point of Mother's saying? She felt like she had let herself down by not accomplishing what she wanted and she wanted to make sure that Debbie and I did accomplish our goals? Part of me wants to believe this and a whole other part of myself thinks that these little phrases are much more than just teachings. They are the way we impart our values and our culture to our children who may or may not be like us. And we want those ideas to have at least have been brought out if not actively been incorporated into our children's lives. So what does that saying have to say about me? That I equate success with being able to leave a good impression? That I believe people actually think about me when I am not around? Goodness, that makes me seem so self-centered. Mostly I used this phrase as a way to avoid temper tantrums when it was time to leave a play date. 10 minutes and we have to leave means to get your things picked up and say your thank yous. And to not burn your bridges when you leave Woodward or St Francis or the wrestling team. You never know when you might need a recommendation from Gary the tree man. Hard though that work was. And hard as it was for Cole to stick it out for the summer at ID Tech this year. Don doesn't think we should give Cole advice about doing ID Tech next summer. He thinks Cole is smart enough and savvy enough to figure it out on his own. So I am attempting to leave this side of the mothering party gracefully. And even if Alfred thinks I should be counseling Cole to be better, in this case, I agree with Don and June. Cole is 20 and his party is continuing without the assistance of Mama. He remembered my saying and that has to be good enough.